It's a funny thing...

...what loss and hardship and heartache will do to you. It's almost been four months to the day (Oct. 14) that we found out we lost our baby at 7 weeks. And only today I realized something.

I realized that our loss...the difficulty of the miscarriage and all that we had to go through to get past it has left me in a state of perpetual fear, constant anxiety and incredible insecurity. I realize that part of this is a necessary step in the grieving process; however, I'm more concerned that this darkness I feel will linger.

I'm nervous to leave our children in the care of others. What if something happened to them? I'm nervous to leave our children, period. What if something happened to me? I'm nervous to go places without my husband. What if I have to see someone or talk to someone?

None of these fears are a true reflection of me - who I am, and yet, they very much reflect how I feel right now. All the time.

Throughout the past four months, I have been very open about our struggles, my emotions, the pain and the depression. I have been open about questioning God and wondering why. I have been open about not wanting to pray while in the depths of grief.

Once again, I am opening up a bit more to reveal my fear and insecurity. To me it's just another reflection of my faithlessness. It reflects my lack of trust in my God. And I am grieved that my heart is so easily convinced that this suffering means He has somehow forgotten me and us.

Once upon a time, a very dear friend of mine spoke something to me. I had just given birth to our sweet little Superman. I was in the midst of post-partum depression and she helped me. She just said, "I know how you feel. I have been there. And when you don't know what else to do, speak God's Word to yourself. Find a verse that ministers to your heart, and speak it until you believe it."

At first, I dismissed what she said. Not because I didn't agree with her. Not because I thought it was a bad idea. I actually think I dismissed it because I should have known to do that already.

So after a week of continued sadness, I finally did what she had told me to do. And I found this verse...

For now, this comforts me again. Because I know that whatever I have to endure in this life, He will supply all my needs. If I need strength, He will supply. If I need hope, He will supply. If I need love, He pours it out on me.

Whatever I need, He will supply.

God thinks you're amazing...

As I type this, it's the end of a long day for me and an even longer week. We have tried to return to a normal schedule of homeschooling after the holidays and after the sickness. 

Love you Grandpa Great!

And then we lost someone this week. My husband's grandfather passed away. We were all close to him because he and his beautiful bride had moved here almost a year ago from Washington State, and we took advantage of them living so close by visiting as much as possible. He had lived a long, good life. So I suppose in some ways you could say it was expected. And at the same time, I don't think anyone is ever prepared to lose anyone they love or care for. Ever. 

Grandpa Great was able to celebrate Wonder Woman's baptism this summer with us. 

I'm tired. I'm tired from the emotional exhaustion of taking care of sick children and a sick husband. I'm tired from the normal, everyday duties of being wife, mom and teacher. I'm tired from the tricks of the enemy to destroy me and those whom I love.

And I thought about my kids...how I think they are all amazing. In many ways, each of them amazes me. And then I thought about this:

if I'm God's child...just as my children, are my children...then...

God thinks I'm amazing too. In my own way. The way He created me to be amazing. You see, God created me and He created you. And He thinks the same thing about you...that you're amazing. 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful; I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

It's one of the biggest lies of the enemy - and I'm ashamed to say that I fall for it daily. 

That I'm not enough. I'm not a good enough mom. I'm not a good enough wife. I'm not fun enough. I'm not strict enough. I'm not happy enough. I'm not Godly enough. And I'm certainly not great or amazing at anything. I'm mediocre at best. My parenting is mediocre. My teaching is mediocre. My                      housekeeping (haha) is less than mediocre. My cooking...it doesn't even register on the scale. (But I can bake you the best cookie-dough brownie with icing you ever tasted. Promise.)                                         

I promise you, before my feet even hit the floor, the enemy of my soul (and yours) is whispering in my ear all the things I am not. And he's shouting even louder all of the things this world has convinced me I should be. 

The lack of peace in my heart from the moment I wake up disturbs me. My goodness, I just woke up. I should at least be in a state of quiet delirium from a lovely sleep. And yet, the enemy, he is cunning and relentless. The Bible says he is "prowling about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour..." 

I Peter 5:8

And Thursday, the day we found out we lost Grandpa Great, I woke with anxiety so fierce I could almost touch it. The weight of this world so great, and the issues we face so big, there are many days I simply want to stay in bed. I feel defeated before I even move beneath the covers.

So on this particularly dreadful (full of dread) morning, I knew I needed my focus to be on Him. The one who calms my fears. The one who created me. The one who calls me precious. The one who knew me before I was even formed. It was as if He was quietly calling me to come to Him.

And He comforted me with this verse...that I can cast all my anxiety (all my cares, concerns, issues, problems, fears, desires) on Him because He cares for you (me).

P365:12

Something I'm focusing on this year...especially right now. II Corinthians 10:5b

What verse are you focusing on this year?