I realized that our loss...the difficulty of the miscarriage and all that we had to go through to get past it has left me in a state of perpetual fear, constant anxiety and incredible insecurity. I realize that part of this is a necessary step in the grieving process; however, I'm more concerned that this darkness I feel will linger.
I'm nervous to leave our children in the care of others. What if something happened to them? I'm nervous to leave our children, period. What if something happened to me? I'm nervous to go places without my husband. What if I have to see someone or talk to someone?
None of these fears are a true reflection of me - who I am, and yet, they very much reflect how I feel right now. All the time.
Throughout the past four months, I have been very open about our struggles, my emotions, the pain and the depression. I have been open about questioning God and wondering why. I have been open about not wanting to pray while in the depths of grief.
Once again, I am opening up a bit more to reveal my fear and insecurity. To me it's just another reflection of my faithlessness. It reflects my lack of trust in my God. And I am grieved that my heart is so easily convinced that this suffering means He has somehow forgotten me and us.
Once upon a time, a very dear friend of mine spoke something to me. I had just given birth to our sweet little Superman. I was in the midst of post-partum depression and she helped me. She just said, "I know how you feel. I have been there. And when you don't know what else to do, speak God's Word to yourself. Find a verse that ministers to your heart, and speak it until you believe it."
At first, I dismissed what she said. Not because I didn't agree with her. Not because I thought it was a bad idea. I actually think I dismissed it because I should have known to do that already.
So after a week of continued sadness, I finally did what she had told me to do. And I found this verse...
For now, this comforts me again. Because I know that whatever I have to endure in this life, He will supply all my needs. If I need strength, He will supply. If I need hope, He will supply. If I need love, He pours it out on me.
Whatever I need, He will supply.
YES!!! I love this =) So so true, and true in so many different life seasons. It does seem like such an obvious thing to do, but I'm learning how I haven't been doing this either! So glad to have found you through Casey's blog =) Much Love!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by! It's so easy for me to remind other people of what God has taught me, and yet it seems it's the first thing I forget when I am the one in need. :)
DeleteI also found you through Casey's blog.
ReplyDeleteYour words ring so true. I have spent time this week finally writing about the four miscarriages I have had. The process is a long one. Faith seems to be the only thing that helps. I thank you for sharing your journey and faith. As writers, we have the chance to help others through the dark times.
Http://lifeimagined.org
My heart goes out to you...it seemed I was barely able to live through one miscarriage...I would love to read whatever you decide to share through your blog about your experiences. I wished so many times I knew what to expect while I was going through it...and at times I still do. Thank you for stopping by.
DeleteI feel as if I don't share this story then the sadness might overtake me. And so...I write.
Stopping in from Casey's blog as well!
ReplyDeleteYour friend's words are so, so true. We lost our first baby at 6 weeks and I had to cling to God's Word and believe it was true, even when I didn't want to. The verse I clung to a little tighter than others was Job 1:21. The Lord was good to give me that baby and even though the Lord chose to take it away, He is still God and still good and worthy to be praised. Almost two years later, tears still come to my eyes thinking about it sometimes, but the gut-wrenching pain is more like a small sting. Writing about it and getting it out there helped me a lot. Praying for you as God continues to carry you through this journey!
Thank you, Stephanie. It's all just a part of the grief process. I know God is still good. And for now, I may not understand it. I'm at a point where I can say that I'm okay with that, and just trust Him. Blessings!
Delete