The first time you take a drink or snort a line or take a pill or whatever...it's a choice. After that...once you have a full-blown addiction, it's a disease. And some people can take a drink, snort a line, take a pill and walk away. Unscathed. Many are not that lucky. Those would be the people labeled "addict."
I know and love someone who is an addict. And I will stand by them, fight for them, love them and help them. Many times, these same people are rendered incapable of fighting for themselves, so as humans we step in and fight on their behalf until they can fight for themselves. Their mind and body are slaves to a most ruthless master. The master of addiction.
I want to share with you some things about loving an addict that might help you if you love one too.
If you love someone who is an addict, please, go to an Al-Anon meeting. Today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Just go. And sit quietly and soak it in. And roll your eyes if you must, when you leave for the first time...BUT then, go back another time.
Why? Because those people know exactly what you're going through. And they get it. And they rolled their eyes too the first time they went. Or maybe they didn't. Maybe they jumped in with both feet.
Or maybe they sat there like me, fuming with rage and anger and bitterness and hurt on the inside, but faked the most pleasant smile on the outside. Because that's polite.
Whatever you do, please go to a meeting. Get yourself some help. Because as much as your loved one needs help for their addiction, you need help too. And the people at Al-Anon will help you.
If you love someone who is an addict, keep loving them. You can't change them. You can only change YOU. You can only change your behavior...not theirs. So, keep loving them. Set boundaries, but keep loving them. And let them know that when they are ready to accept help, you will be ready to help them get it.
Please do not enable their behavior. Please do not deny their behavior. Please do not do something for them that they can do for themselves. Please do not clean up their messes or pay their fines or bills or buy them drugs. Please do not call in sick to work for them. Please do not fix the problems or messes they've created. Please do not ignore their bad or embarrassing behavior and pretend as if nothing happened.
Help them do things they cannot do for themselves...as in...get them help. Do not help them do things they can do on their own, but choose not to.
Please allow them to experience their own consequences. In other words, please stop cleaning up their messes as noted above.
For example, addict goes out drinking or drugging, comes home late and misses work. Please do not call work for them and tell a lie. Let them deal with their own consequences.
Help them when they are ready. I used to think this analogy was a poor one:
"Well, if so and so had cancer, wouldn't you help them? Their addiction is like a cancer. A disease. It will slowly eat away at their body, their life, AND it will kill them...eventually."
I used to get so angry when I heard this. I wanted to slap every person who said this to me. Because people don't choose cancer. They get cancer. Until I realized at some point while walking the recovery road with my husband that he's an addict. And addiction is like cancer. He had a choice the first time...until he didn't have a choice anymore. And that until part comes really fast for my husband...and most other addicts. So fast it only takes one drink, one snort, one pill, one whatever...
So fast, it only takes ONE. Let that sink in. ONE. And then the insanity begins.
Addiction is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad disease. Like cancer, it knows no color, no race, no boundaries, no limits.
Addiction hurts people. And hurt people, hurt people.
If you know an addict, and everyone knows at least one, know that they are no different than you. Their cross to bear is just addiction. And yours is something else. So, please:
- go to an Al-Anon meeting today,
- keep loving the addict in your life,
- do not enable their behavior,
- allow them to experience their own consequences,
- and help them get the help they need.
For information on getting help, you can start here.
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