Alone in a room full of people...

(I wrote this post one year ago today...and never pushed publish. I decided to publish it today, because unfortunately, someone somewhere may feel all alone in a room full of people.)

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Sitting in a waiting room sea of pregnant moms. 

Everyone has a smile on their face. As best I can tell, I'm the only one in here with a dead baby inside.

Am I assuming? Yes. Am I going to confirm and take a poll? No.

Husband asked if seeing babies or pregnant people this week upset me. I said no. He said it hurt him and made him angry. But I haven't really left the house since Monday when I found out about the miscarriage.

Hurts more than I thought. And everywhere (here especially) there are reminders of a baby in heaven. 

Here's a list I found on my phone of things we needed...

Adding insult to injury is the fact that I still feel so nauseous. Feel like I could vomit at any moment.

They didn't ask me to pee in a cup today. Why would I? No baby. No need to. Still, I notice.

Wasn't prepared for the procedure that awaited me.

When we found out we had a dead baby inside and no active miscarriage on the horizon, we opted for a semi-natural way to facilitate the miscarriage. I would take pills to encourage the miscarriage and wait. 

I had no idea that four pills later I would have nothing. Nothing to show. Nothing happened. Body still thinks I'm pregnant and I'm nauseated. Constantly. Daily reminder.

So after a full week, we returned to the doctor on Friday for an ultrasound to see if anything had progressed and to weigh options.

I should mention at this point that we have no insurance. So everything we do, we pay cash for.  And apparently miscarriages cost more than having live babies. And that is just wrong.

Sorry, you're baby is dead. And this is going to be long, drawn out and terribly painful with no happy ending; oh, and this will cost you...more than having the baby live. 

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When I read this today, my heart hurts a little for the woman who wrote this. I hurt for her pain. I hurt for her sadness. I hurt because I can feel the emotions behind her words.

While I'm the one who wrote this, some 365 days ago, I'm not the same woman...praise the Lord. No, hopefully, I am a stronger, better woman. A woman who trusts God's plan even when I don't see it, I don't understand it and especially, when I don't agree with it.

I miss our babies. I miss our children we lost, now that there have been two. While I would choose to live without the pain of this past year, I am also thankful to have walked this road.

I would love to tell you this drew me closer to Jesus. That I fell to my knees and wept and pledged my love and heart to Jesus on the many hard days that followed October 14, 2013. I would love to tell you that my heart is whole and healed and my attitude is right toward my Heavenly Father.

I am ashamed of how I've acted this past year in my walk with the Lord...and yet...

Here's what I will tell you instead. If you know Jesus, know this...He loves you. He loves me. His body was broken for you, and for me. He bore our sins - yours and mine - because we never could. We never could atone for the horrible things we would do. So, He died...for you and for me.

That doesn't mean we won't have pain and heartache. That doesn't mean that dark days are not ahead. It means this: today, I still love Jesus and I still need Him. If God allows me a tomorrow, I will still love Him and still need Him. Each day teaches me that I simply need Him more. More and more and more and more.

This past year has been a dark year. I have been angry and distant and running away from Him instead of to Him so He could heal me. And still, He loves me. He loved me in the midst of my sin and anger and distance. And He loves you just the same...

Wherever you are, in whatever ways you are broken and hurting, there is a God who loves you. Beyond measure. Beyond compare.

"But God demonstrates His love for us in this: that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us..." Romans 5:8