One of my biggest fears...

One of my biggest fears is that our sweet children will struggle with the same things that we have struggled with.

I'm afraid that if I don't teach them enough, if I don't show them enough, if I don't love them in all the ways I needed to be loved (but wasn't), AND all the ways that they need to be loved, then they will follow the same lonely and destructive paths we followed as teenagers and adults.

I'm afraid that if I smother them, they will hate me.

I'm afraid that if I let them go and explore and be responsible, that in one, tiny second something terrible will happen that I will never be able to undo.

I'm afraid that my depression will be passed onto them, and they will spend their adult days wondering why they don't "rejoice in the Lord" all the day long. After all, I certainly have plenty to rejoice about. I do.

I'm afraid that they will think like I did...that one time won't hurt. After all, as a teenager and young adult I was practically invincible and made of iron...nothing could touch me. I guess you could call me, Iron Woman. Except that I was a wreck and making a mess of my life.

I'm afraid that they will grow up disliking each other and not love one another. I want them to have each other's back. I want them to look out for and defend one another. I want them to see the precious friends they already have (and will forever have) in their brothers and sister. I want my sons to defend my precious girl. And I want my girl to stand up on behalf of her brothers...if the need ever arises.

I'm afraid they will struggle with addiction because between my eating disorder (an addiction, in my opinion), and Amazing Husband's addiction, it could easily be hardwired into them. And yes, I do believe that addictions are hardwired. But that's another topic.

I'm afraid I won't be able to protect them. That some terrible, tragic event will interrupt our lives. Something more terrible than a miscarriage. And I'm afraid I would be undone.

And day after day I see them fight with one another. Not all day. Not even most of the day. But I see it here and there.

And I feel completely and utterly defeated. Because even my best attempts to shape them cannot determine their behavior. Nope. That is up to them.

And I see them test the waters with me. Pushing me just a little more to see what they can get away with.

They ask the questions about using bad words and 'why can't we use them if people made them bad, but really they're just words used to hurt...'

They discuss going off to college, parties and alcohol. And they all have an opinion about what is good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. And to a great degree, Amazing Husband and I have shaped that in what we've taught them, but also in how we've lived our lives in front of them.

And I wonder if the way I've lived my life reflects the things I speak to them. Because I know the words I speak to them about love, faith, obedience, trust, acceptance, love, love and more love. But does my life echo my words? Or does my life reflect something completely different. And I'm afraid that they don't match - my words and my life. Or maybe they do. I don't know.

I'm afraid.

I'm fearful.

I'm anxious.

But, God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind. These children are only mine to raise, but they are His for eternity. Their choices are ultimately their choices, and while we are responsible to teach them, we cannot choose for them. 

Truly, deep within my heart I know, the very best thing I can do is pray for them. Lift them up to their Heavenly Father who loves them perfectly, and ask Him to protect, defend, lead, guide, teach, train and love.

When I'm fearful and anxious and afraid, I'm not trusting Him. So how can I possibly teach them to do it, if I'm not? Instead, when I pray for them, it's indeed the best use of my time. And when I pray for them in front of them, I hope they are learning how to pray for themselves and for others - perhaps their own children one day. 

The enemy lies to us. He lies about anything and everything. Mostly he lies about things that he can easily convince us of...for me that is fear. For you, it might be something else.

One of the greatest truths I know to combat my greatest fears is this: God did not give me fear. And if God loves me enough to send His only Son to die on my behalf, then His is the voice I will trust when I am afraid.