May 1 - Our due date

Our baby was due today.  Every day this week I have fought back tears at one moment or another. Today I cried three times at the gym. In public. I honestly didn't know how I would feel on this day. All of this has been hard in one way or another, so I wasn't sure if this would be just any other hard day or not. As this day has drawn closer, I almost could feel it attempting to smother me like a hot blanket pressed down over me. Hot tears. Hot pain. Hot anger.

I sit here to do school with the kids and try to stop the tears from falling. I don't want them to know I'm upset. I don't want them to know my heart hurts. I don't want to hear from them that it's okay to cry (because I tell them it is okay all the time). I don't want to hear that time will make it feel better. I don't want to hear that the baby is in heaven. I don't want to hear it. It really doesn't make me feel better.Words do not ease this pain. Words do not fill the void left by the little person I carried for 12 weeks. And unfortunately, I think I'm entering the angry phase. At least for today. Because if someone said something nice to me I think I would reply with ugly words in hot anger. Or I might not. I don't know.

Dear husband came home last night and I thought all day of things I wanted to say to him about how I was feeling and when I finally was able to let it out, I could barely form the words to tell him May 1 was our due date.

I think I'm rambling a little. 

I think one of the harder parts of miscarriage is just having to sit with the feelings, sit in the pain, to feel it, to endure the ache and the longing and the emptiness.

I know Awesome Husband wishes he could help me. I know my friends wish they could help me too.

I wish they could as well.

And perhaps...that is it. The point of it all. The ultimate "God works all things together for our good..." ending to the story...

That this ache, this pain, this complete lack of understanding why...there's no one who has the answers. There's no one who can help me. There's no one who can easy my heartache.

BUT God.

And maybe that is the point of it all...that I really have no choice but turn to Him...and allow Him to heal me from the inside out.

I don't know what we will do today to honor the memory of our baby. I don't know. But I do know that in the moments today that seem impossible, I will have to turn to Him to move forward.

**God blessed me with a truly wonderful husband. I could not have walked this road without him. He's been so good to me. Better than I deserve. He's been strong. Stronger than I could ever be. I am so thankful for him. Each and every day. He is such a good, Godly man, and I love him more each day.

I am also blessed with three living children. They are precious and wonderful and loving. I am more blessed than I deserve.