In the fresh light of day...

Things always seem a little clearer. Not easier. Not necessarily better. Just clearer. 

Exhaustion or simply being tired can be a dangerous thing for one's emotions. It certainly is for mine. My heart aches for our little one. An ache of longing.

And yet, in the light of day, I know that God's plan and purpose are far greater than mine ever will be.

So on the due date, I decided not to sit home and be sad. Perhaps my decision was driven by the precious children I do life with every day, and the fact that sitting home being sad wouldn't be fair to them. Or perhaps I wanted to honor the little life in a fun and special way.

I decided we would skip school, have lunch at In-N-Out Burger, take pictures in the bluebonnets and just enjoy the day together. We laughed. We had sodas. We ate french fries and burgers. We ran in the flowers. We were silly.

It was joy.

Amazing Husband wasn't with us. No, he had to work. And for that I am grateful - that he works so hard for us so that I can be with our children every day. And I am thankful that God has provided for us and enabled us to be able to homeschool.

I also decided that I would run 7.5 miles on May 1...the due date for each of the weeks the baby lived.

And then on May 2, the day after our due date, I ran 11 miles for each of the weeks I carried the baby.

Running has really helped me pound out my emotions on the pavement. It's a release. And even though I have cried through many runs, it's been healing to get it out.

7.5 weeks baby was alive.

11 weeks I carried baby.