From the time I was saved until I found out I was pregnant with our first child, my faith and understanding of God grew over time. It wasn't until I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy that I truly surrendered my life to Him. It's funny how anything unplanned has the great potential to turn our hearts toward Jesus.
And yet at 23, there I was. Pregnant. Unwed. And though the father of the baby would soon become my husband (my amazing and wonderful and awesome husband), I was broken. Broken by my sin. Broken by the things I was seeking that could only be found in Jesus.
From that time, I will tell you, I have sought the Lord. I searched for Him. I cried out to Him for mercy. I longed for Him. I hungered and thirsted for Him. And in many places, at many different times, I have found Him.
Yes, He is always there, but when you're really searching and looking and needing answers from the only One with answers, you will find Him. And I did. And I have. And I continue.
All it took was a decision. A simple decision. A realization that I had come to the end of myself, the end of my own willful disobedience, and I had a choice. I made a decision to pursue God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.
As a teenager, I thought I pursued Him. I think I wanted to know Him. I also know that I wanted to know Him on my own terms and how HE fit into my life. And that's not necessarily how it's supposed to go. God doesn't fit into our lives when it's convenient and cute and appropriate and usually on Sundays and Wednesdays. He's not a puzzle piece.
He is. He is my life. He is my everything. He holds the future - my future in His hands.
I've been quite open here in this space about how I've struggled since the miscarriage. How I've questioned. How I have wondered if the God I knew just turned His back on me and stopped hearing my cries.
And then I realized something this week when I was listening to a song on the radio. It's the song "Blessings" by Laura Story. You can listen/watch here.
"We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear,
We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness,
We doubt your love.
As if every promise from your word is not enough.
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe.
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near
What if trials of this life...are your mercies in disguise"
The bridge finishes up with this...
"The pain reminds us all that this is not, this is not our home..."
As I heard the last line of the bridge for probably the 1,000th time in my life, I realized the point of the suffering...at least for me. I felt as if the Lord were telling me that I would get too comfortable in this life if everything were easy and painless. I wouldn't long for Him and for heaven the way that I should...
The pain reminds us all that this is not our home. I'm to be concerned with and consumed by the things of God. And this year has been hard for us in so many ways - losing a business and then a baby, a child, a life. It stripped us bare in so many ways.
The enemy used it to push me away from God, when I should have been running to Him.
I keep wondering what might be coming next. What's the next mountain we will have to climb? Deep down inside I had to make a decision that no matter what, I will trust Him. Through the pain. In the pain. Whatever may come.
I just want more of Jesus...to fill me up and spill out of me...so that when people see me, they only recognize Him.
From that time, I will tell you, I have sought the Lord. I searched for Him. I cried out to Him for mercy. I longed for Him. I hungered and thirsted for Him. And in many places, at many different times, I have found Him.
Yes, He is always there, but when you're really searching and looking and needing answers from the only One with answers, you will find Him. And I did. And I have. And I continue.
All it took was a decision. A simple decision. A realization that I had come to the end of myself, the end of my own willful disobedience, and I had a choice. I made a decision to pursue God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.
He is. He is my life. He is my everything. He holds the future - my future in His hands.
I've been quite open here in this space about how I've struggled since the miscarriage. How I've questioned. How I have wondered if the God I knew just turned His back on me and stopped hearing my cries.
And then I realized something this week when I was listening to a song on the radio. It's the song "Blessings" by Laura Story. You can listen/watch here.
"We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear,
We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness,
We doubt your love.
As if every promise from your word is not enough.
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe.
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near
What if trials of this life...are your mercies in disguise"
The bridge finishes up with this...
"The pain reminds us all that this is not, this is not our home..."
As I heard the last line of the bridge for probably the 1,000th time in my life, I realized the point of the suffering...at least for me. I felt as if the Lord were telling me that I would get too comfortable in this life if everything were easy and painless. I wouldn't long for Him and for heaven the way that I should...
The pain reminds us all that this is not our home. I'm to be concerned with and consumed by the things of God. And this year has been hard for us in so many ways - losing a business and then a baby, a child, a life. It stripped us bare in so many ways.
The enemy used it to push me away from God, when I should have been running to Him.
I keep wondering what might be coming next. What's the next mountain we will have to climb? Deep down inside I had to make a decision that no matter what, I will trust Him. Through the pain. In the pain. Whatever may come.
I just want more of Jesus...to fill me up and spill out of me...so that when people see me, they only recognize Him.
I love your honestly and the sweet longing of your heart for Jesus in this post. I'm so glad to be next to you at Imperfect Prose this week.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elizabeth, for your comment and for stopping by!
Delete