Today...

Today I found your story.

I see that you are expecting.

Lego Man born in 2002

You posted your bump pics.

I took a pregnancy test.

                                                       

You posted your cravings.

I told my husband our exciting news.

Today you posted your recent workouts and runs.

Today I felt strong in my run knowing our sweet baby was inside.

Today you posted the sex of your baby.

Today I felt sick for the first time ever in my four pregnancies.

Today you posted the countdown to your due date.

Tomorrow I have my first doctor appointment at 11 weeks.

Today you posted your birth plan.

I sat in a waiting room of moms to be...waiting for my turn with the doctor.

Today you posted your baby bump update.

Today I lay on the table praying to hear the baby's heartbeat.

Today you placed your hand on your sweet belly as expectant moms often do.

Today I tried to be brave and strong as our doctor told us our baby had been dead for weeks. 5 weeks actually.

Today you said you were dilated to a 1.

Today I took medicine to force the dead baby out of my body.

Today I read your story again and wished it were mine.

Today my heart ached for the baby we lost. And I cried. Uncontrollably.

Today was your due date.

Today, after waiting 10 days for the miscarriage to happen on its own, today...I had a d&c.

Today you were sad you were still pregnant days after your due date passed.

Wonder Woman born in 2005

Today I wished our little one was still safely inside, heart beating strong, growing.

Today you posted a picture of your sweet new baby with a line that said "birth story coming soon..."

Today I shook while I cried over a birth story that will never be told.

Today...I realized that I haven't cried in five days.

Today I saw you when you walked into church. Your precious pregnant belly.

And I didn't cry.

I watched you sit directly in front of me.

And I didn't cry.

I watched a dad carry his newborn baby by our seats in the church.

And your husband looked at you and smiled.

And the smile...the look...broke my heart again. It was as if the wound ripped open, top to tail and the tears wouldn't stop.

And as I tried to sing of God's faithfulness, declaring my trust in His goodness, I wept. Bitterly. Angrily. Broken-hearted. And lonely.

Today I saw an acquaintance at the grocery store. I offered congratulations at the news of her pregnancy.

But inside I wanted to scream. “I was pregnant too! I was due in May!”

Today I received baby announcements in the mail.

And I stared at the photos for what seemed like an eternity.

Superman born in 2008

Today Superman asked how big the baby would be if it weren’t in heaven.

And I showed him. I had actually lost count of the weeks, because I stopped counting when we found out the baby was gone. And tears filled my eyes and sadness filled my heart.

And in the midst of all of this, I do trust God. I do see His goodness. I do speak His truth to our children, and proclaim His love to them with wholehearted conviction.

And I am grateful…for three children; three amazing, awesome and incredible children. And an amazing, awesome and incredible man who wins “husband of the year” for taking care of me throughout this drawn out process and holding me while I cried.

And I know that I don’t understand, but I still trust Him. I may never understand, but I still trust Him.

The baby would have been 19 weeks today. 

(Husband told me to share with you all that after he read this he would like to write his own version...but he couldn't.)