First, let me begin by saying this is our story. I share it only because this was such a new and unknown experience to me. Of all that's transpired over the last week, what's bothered me most was how little I understood what happened, what didn't happen and what might happen. I keep telling my husband I wish someone would have told me. I wish I knew. I have no idea what to expect. The unknown is what has scared me.
If this is TMI or disturbs you or causes you pain in some way, I'm so sorry. I write this for people like me who wish they'd known what was coming or what to expect. I know lots of people suffer this. I had no idea just how many.
(Source: http://windmillfarmofgridley.blogspot.com/)
I had not yet shared this, but we were expecting. We were expecting and due in May. The kids were thrilled. Husband and I were ecstatic. But for the first time in all of my pregnancies, I was sick. I simply felt awful. I had just decided that I was getting older and this was part of being an older mom. All day, every day. I felt awful and exhausted. With three kids at home doing homeschool it was a challenge. And they have been awesome. Helpful. Encouraging. Kind.
Our first doctor appointment was a week ago...Monday. October 14. From the moment I woke up, I had a nervous feeling in my stomach. I couldn't really explain it. I was going alone to the appointment because of a conversation I had in my head with my husband that went something like this.
"Our doctor appointment is Monday at 10:30. I think we will get to see the baby," I told him.
"Sounds good," he said.
But then on Monday he said I never told him. I said I did. He couldn't make it in time. So I went solo.
Now I think it was pregnancy brain. One of those conversations in my head that never actually happened.
I found out at the appointment that I was closer to 12 weeks than I thought. A relief in my mind. But I couldn't stop being nervous.
When the doctor came in and it was time for the ultrasound, I saw it instantly. I knew instantly that I would stare at that monitor In hopes that I could develop some sort of superhero power to change the image staring back at me. Like the X-ray vision that my little Super-Spider-Man is always wishing for.
No movement. No heartbeat jumping about on the screen. If you've ever had or witnessed an ultrasound, and the baby is fine, you know fairly quickly. The little heartbeat can be seen because it causes movement in the body. Turn on the volume and you can hear it. And the heartbeat...that reassuring cadence that tells a momma, "I'm okay in here. Just humming along. I'm growing, mommy." Well, it wasn't there. None of the reassuring things typical in a viable pregnancy were there.
My doctor's voice was far away. Like in a movie. As if my head was underwater as I listened and let the news sink in.
"I know what I'm looking. I'm 99% sure. Your pregnancy should be at 11 weeks 6 days. Your baby is much smaller. Measuring at 7 weeks. As you heard there was no heartbeat. I'm so very sorry. Would you like some water?"
She continued. I think.
"We can talk about your options. Or we can wait and you can call me later. Did someone come with you?"
I shook my head.
"Well, we can schedule a D&C. I can give you some pills to take at home. Or we can let this progress on its own. Would you like to think about it? Would you like a second opinion?"
I shook my head. I didn't want to look at another ultrasound of my dead baby ever. Once was more than enough.
I cried the whole way home. And off and on daily since then.
So we have spent the week and then some weighing our options. And we opted for taking pills to facilitate the miscarriage at home.
And it's been a longer, more difficult week than I ever imagined. And I'm thankful more than ever for my wonderful husband. Our children and our family have been amazing. We are blessed in spite of this.
And my heart is so incredibly heavy. Broken.
(Source: http://www.inbloomnewyork.com)
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