It just sucks.
Yes, I realize with 100% certainty that two precious babies of mine (and countless other's babies) are in heaven with Jesus...
And while that provides a degree of comfort, it does not soothe my soul on this day, or any other day.
Can I just say that an hour ago...and for months before this, I was, pretty much, okay? About the miscarriage(s). I was (and still am) okay.
But just in case you don't know...and you've never had one (and I pray that you don't because it really rips a heart to pieces), miscarriage sucks.
When I least expect it, grief rears its ugly head and my heart breaks a little.
When I least expect it, something I read or see or smell or hear triggers my emotions and jogs my memory...and I know that two precious children are missing from our family on this earth.
Earlier today I sat and talked about the events of the last 18 months and how God shaped me and formed me and changed me through such a painful and difficult time. And I talked about how I was angry and mad and bitter and at times, unfaithful to God...but He was always faithful to me.
And then tonight I stumbled onto something QUITE randomly on the internet...darn you, Pinterest! And within a second it was as if I were in the doctor's office staring at a picture on a screen with no beating heart all over again.
It is heartbreaking. And maybe that's the point. That He - the almighty ONE, the CREATOR of all things - needs us to be broken in order to use us.
SO, here I am...reminded once again...that I need Him to fix me, to heal me, to save me from myself...and restore all that is broken within me.
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