It is well...

I took a short break two weeks ago from this blog. From writing. I just needed to stop. Quite honestly, the words that have come out would probably not have been fun to read, and I may have chased every reader away with them.

On May 14, I took a pregnancy test early one morning and put it in an envelope so that Amazing Husband and I could open it together. When I handed it to him, he asked "Are you preggers?" with a sweet grin on his face.

I told him to open the envelope and tell me.

He said, "What does two lines mean?"

We were pregnant. On May 14, 2014 we were pregnant. We were excited and happy and making plans. We decided to wait until 12 weeks to tell the kids because of the miscarriage in October.
We began talking about names, I began to feel great (I always feel better pregnant than when I'm not), and I began to think about things we would need to do or get over the next 9-10 months.

All the normal baby planning things, we did those.

And then on a Sunday morning, June 8, I had some minor cramping and other symptoms that perhaps something wasn't right. It wasn't anything like last time, so I really tried to put it out of my mind until Monday morning when I woke up the signs were more obvious. I called my doctor and went in for blood work to be able to see where my levels were and if they were going up or down. I then waited 48 hours and went back for a second set to compare the two.

I texted a sweet friend to pray for me...one of the few people we've told. God brought her to mind immediately I feel like, for comfort. And she comforted me. She was the hands and feet of Jesus that week...texting me daily to check on me and pray for me.

On Thursday morning, June 12, the nurse called to let me know my numbers were going down and that meant that most likely we would miscarry. Again.

For some reason, I tried to sound peppy and normal on the phone with this woman who has heard me cry several times before. As if I needed to reassure her that I was okay. I wasn't okay, though. And truthfully, I am still not okay.

On Saturday, June 14, the miscarriage was over. It was obvious and yet not painful. I am so thankful for how it happened...that it wasn't difficult and drawn out like last time. I am thankful for three precious babies...Lego Man, Wonder Woman and Super-Spiderman. I am thankful for a husband who gets me, who loves me, who bears my burdens, who loves me in sickness and in health.

I don't know why. I don't understand.

I cried as I left the doctor's office Monday, June 9 and passed a young woman in the hallway. She was a pharmaceutical rep. The poor dear ended up in the elevator with me...a fate I know she would have preferred to avoid. She stepped on the elevator with me anyway. And then she asked if I was okay.

I told her that I wasn't okay, but that I would be okay one day. And I was grateful for her kindness in asking even if it was only because it was the polite thing to do.

I sat in the parking lot of the doctor's office that day and cried the same hot and angry tears that I cried October 14. I drove home knowing what we were facing...and knowing it would be hard.

I would love to tell you that this time, my faith is so much stronger, deeper and mature. That God prepared my heart to handle this weight once more. I would love to tell you all these things that would make you love God more and hopefully turn your heart toward His.

The truth is: I can't make you do or feel anything. I can't make you love Him or want Him or turn to Him with anything I say or don't say.

And some days, I don't want to make myself turn to Him. I just want to feel angry or hurt or mad or confused or whatever.

BUT - what I've learned is that my heart is truly HIS. And despite the feelings I have inside right now through this season of loss, I still run to HIM. I run to HIM because without HIM I feel completely lost, alone, hopeless, desperate and dry. I run to HIM because He is there. He never leaves me. He never forsakes me. He knows my name and how many hairs (gray included) are on my head.

And I don't have to understand at this moment the why. I just have to fully surrender my heart to His plan and say, It is well...