Fumbling in the dark...

The best way to describe a miscarriage is like fumbling in the dark.

Since I had already had three wonderful kids, once I was pregnant, I kind of knew what was coming. I knew what to expect.

I knew how my belly would grow. I knew that I would crave certain things.

Baby 1: buffalo wings and buffalo sauce. The sauce is good with just about everything.
Baby 2: Fruity Pebbles. Sometimes half a bag in one sitting.
Baby 3: Peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Please and thank you.

I knew that I would look forward to my big tummy and be sad about it all at once.
I knew that I would have trouble turning over in bed at night beginning about week 24. I knew that I would look forward to the end only because I got to have weekly appointments and hear the heartbeat.

Oh, the heartbeat. The consistent, speedy, static-y hum of that doppler machine. Music. Pure music to my ears.

And then there is miscarriage.

From my own experience, this is just something people don't seem to discuss or share or talk about. Sure there are plenty of blog posts like some of mine where people share their experiences. And perhaps there are even people talking about it in churches and Bible studies and with friends.

Honestly, though, until I had to walk this road, I was pretty clueless. It was a lot like fumbling in the dark.

I have two family members that I know of who have experienced miscarriage. And still, knowing their experiences didn't necessarily help me in my own. Yes, it helped in some ways. Since we are all so different in our own body chemistry, no miscarriage is exactly like another. Unless people are willing to share with you the details, really, you just have to walk it out on your own.

For me, I think God used this purposefully to draw me nearer to Him. Amazing husband couldn't answer my questions. My precious mom didn't know what to say. My dear and wonderful and sweet friends have been so encouraging and kind. They poured out love on me and our family. And still, only God could heal me. Only God could handle all of my tears, anger, frustration, fear and just general craziness. Only God could catch all of my tears. Only God could be my Savior...only God could heal my broken heart and bind up all my wounds.

Friends, isn't that the point? That only God can...do whatever it is we need done in our lives.

Yes, yes, that is the point. Only God.