False Saviors

This post may ramble a bit, but I desperately needed this word planted in my heart. I think maybe that somebody else might need it too. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's someone you know. Or maybe this is a nugget for you to tuck away for one day when you realize you need it.

I went running this morning with a friend, and as we ran we talked about the miscarriage...and "how I'm doing" now. She knew of my plans to run certain numbers last week in honor of the baby and the due date. And she said this,

"Carly, I think you took a really difficult situation and you did something positive with it. You took your pain and heartache, and you used it in a positive way. There are so many other things you could have done to get through the pain, but you did something positive instead."

From the moment I knew that we had miscarried, there was a battle raging in my heart and mind. It was nothing short of a David & Goliath showdown except the foes were named Savior & False Savior.

I asked God why, so many times. Fresh out of the doctors office where I saw the baby with no heartbeat, I cried hot, angry tears, and I screamed inside my car. I screamed, and I shouted, and I raged at God.

Savior wanted me to remember who God is, that He could use this for my good. That He loves me beyond my comprehension. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

False savior kept whispering to me that God really isn't that good. He allowed this to happen. He took our baby. We had already lost so much (it seemed) and He wasn't finished taking from us.

Savior was quiet. He never shouted. He spoke in whispers. He spoke in the sweet e-mails and texts from friends...reminding me that He loves and cares for me and catches every tear. He spoke in scripture verses that came to mind.

False savior was loud, obsessive and repetitive with his taunts.

There were times that I listened more to the False savior. It's so much easier to hear the louder voice.

I'm not proud to admit that many, many times I simply was faithless. I was hurt and angry. And I felt completely justified in defiantly telling someone that "I don't want to pray right now!"

I was listening to the False savior. I was allowing His lies to take root in my heart.

Now that I am on the other side of this mountain, the False savior has a new tactic. Now he's reminding me of how I turned away from the Savior, how I had such little faith, how I was angry and disloyal to my God. My true Savior.

In the midst of all of the pain of the miscarriage and the crazy emotions it brought to the surface, I could have run to 1,000 different false saviors. I could have turned to alcohol, drugs, my past eating disorder or any number of things to save me from the pain. Believe me, the False savior tried every tactic.

Instead I chose to run. By choosing to run, I chose the true Savior. Because on those runs - the hard, cold, long runs - I needed my Savior, my God to keep me going. I quoted more scripture on those runs than I had in months. I cried out to Him to relieve the pain, to heal me. I ran to Him. It was on those runs that I finally wanted to pray again.

Dear friend, maybe you need this message and maybe you don't. One thing I do know for sure, there is a God who loves you and me and everyone else beyond what we can even imagine. And no matter what mountain you're facing, He is there for you. He can turn your mourning into dancing. He can remove your sadness and clothe you with joy.

Those false saviors will always disappoint. But the one true God, He never will.