When it feels that God is distant...

I have been trying to put my finger on this for sometime...my sweet husband had similar questions. Since September, I've been wondering where God was in all of this.

I know that the Bible tells us "He never leaves us nor forsakes us," in Deuteronomy 31:6. In my searching for His presence, to feel Him near, I have clung to this verse. I have spoken it out loud. I have said it to husband in the midst of our miscarriage, and he has said it to me too.

I have questioned and asked why. Why are you not near? Why are you distant?

I also know the old saying, "If it feels like God is distant, guess who moved?"

The one difference in my life, I'm sad to explain, is that I've been busy. I've spent less time alone in prayer and reading God's Word. I was much more disciplined to do that while I was working. While I still read my Bible often, and I still pray throughout every day, I do know that I've put other things ahead of my time with God.

I could type you a decent list of excuses about being busy. It would be all the same things that everyone else is facing. Then you add to that our miscarriage experience and having to shut our business down (which I haven't yet talked about) all within a month of each other, and then I didn't want to.

I didn't want to pray. 

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It took some time before I wanted to pray again. It took some time before I wanted to worship. And then one day it hit me, I missed the presence of the Lord. I missed my time with Him...finding comforting bits of truth in His Word that would lift my spirit on long days. 

Where are you, God? Where have you been in all of this? I know that you have a plan. I just don't see it. I just don't understand it. Where are you? You said you would never leave me nor forsake me, but honestly this feels a lot like you left me. 

Last week, I was reading a devotional by Pastor Rick Warren. The title of the post was "Seeking Feeling is Not Worship." And the first sentence stopped me cold.

"God not has not promised 'you will always feel my presence.' In fact, God admits that He hides his face from us." 

"Truly you are a God who has been hiding himself; the God of Israel." Isaiah 45:15

Warren explains that this testing of the relationship is necessary for the growth and development of our faith. 

The way I've experienced it, I have found myself wondering what I did wrong. Is this a consequence of past sin? Is this a punishment? Most importantly, I have wondered is this permanent? Will I feel His presence again? Will I enjoy the richness of time with my God as He bandages my wounds and comforts my soul like balm?

"If I go to the east, he is not there; If I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But He knows the way I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold." Job 23:8-10.

And in that instant, I knew that HE was speaking to me once again. Perhaps He is still hiding himself from me, knowing that I will seek Him. All the more, I am so thankful that He spoke this word to me. 

I'm so thankful that He knows the way I take. He knows. And for now, that is all that I need to know. 

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