Eleven years ago today...

I'm feeling strangely nostalgic today...11 years later. Perhaps it's because the date falls on a Sunday just like the day we loaded up an drove five hours to a drug rehab Center Point, Texas.

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Before I take a drive down Memory Lane, let me tell you about this man. Today we've been married for 12 years, 4 months and 3 days. We have three children on earth and one in heaven. He is a hard-working man, amazing husband and the most wonderful father. He is loving, kind, compassionate and has a heart of gold. He sees people who need help, and he is compelled to help them. He is a good man. He was the same good man before these things happened, and he is an even better man now.
While it hasn't always been easy, there is no one I would rather walk through this life with than him. I am thankful for him everyday, and I am thankful for this season of our lives...that you are about to read about...because it shaped us. It changed us. And God used it for our good. He always does.

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Oddly, I can't tell you what I was wearing. That's fairly insignificant, except for the fact I can always seem to remember what I was wearing on certain days. All I remember is that it was jeans.

I remember following the driving directions in our big, red Ford Expedition. It was a beautiful drive. Picturesque actually, through parts of Texas I'd never seen before, and haven't seen since. I remember looking at him - my precious husband - at one point in the drive. He was angry, but mostly apathetic. I remember feeling overwhelmingly sad because he didn't seem to have any remorse at all, and I felt like he wasn't going to miss me.

I was sad too because I wasn't sure I would miss him. The last several months leading up to the February 6 revelation of his drug use  had been difficult. They were the most challenging months I had ever walked through at that point in my life, and perhaps they still are...even with the events of recent months.

I remember that as I drove, I paid close attention to the road, but the conversations in the car are a blur. Almost like I was underwater while the people in the car were talking, and I couldn't understand what they were saying.

I am still baffled at the people who rode there with us. Baffled and humbled at their generosity and selflessness in offering to ride with us...five hours there and five hours home. When I called to tell them where we were going and when, they just offered to come along. I know they came to help out with our oldest child...he was only 9 months old at the time, and peacefully oblivious.

It was starting to snow the day before we left.

We left around 8 a.m. and arrived around 1 p.m. I remember that I fed the baby in the car before we got out, and then I remember going inside to check in. Details. The hallways. The smell. The kindness of the people who genuinely wanted to help us. I was like a deer in the headlights, and they met me with eyes that understood. They were miles ahead of me in this, but in time I would try to catch up. They cared for my husband without even knowing him...simply because they knew he was hurting. The disease of addiction had taken over, and he needed their help.

I remember not wanting to leave him there, and at the same time I desperately wanted him to stay and get the help he needed. We all said very brief goodbyes. They seemed forced almost, now that I look back. We let the baby play outside of the car for a few minutes in the parking lot, and then we headed out. Somewhere I missed the turn to head back the way we came, and instead I headed to San Antonio. That ended up being a good thing because none of us had eaten all day. We stopped at Macaroni Grill. I felt too sick at my stomach to eat much. And I craved sleep.

When we left the parking lot I received a call from my brother-in-law. I will never forget the phone call because he just told me that he loved his brother, and he was there for us whenever we needed him. I am forever grateful for that call.

It was hard going home to a quiet house, and I dreaded the day of school and work that came quickly the next morning...

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It is a stony path. This path of addiction. No one comes out unscathed. The people who use, face demons unimaginable, and those same demons torment their loved ones in other, terrible ways. I do not completely understand the addiction side, but I do understand that it's a disease. And I do understand the side of the loved ones...the people who love addicts.

A disease whose cure is not something simple...like taking medicine. Quite the opposite, it's taking that medicine in the form of alcohol, drugs, pills, food or porn that has gotten them to this place of despair. And the cure...well, it's not a guarantee. The cure is to white-knuckle it and take it one day at a time.
Learn to sit with the pain, the emotion, the heartache...the you name it that led you here to begin with.
The cure...is simply to stop doing their drug of choice. Since we are all human, and so fallible, it's terrifying to me, to think that my own recovery would be dependent solely upon me.

Because I know me. I know what causes me pain, I know what sends me into despair. I know what would send me looking for a drug - if that were my thing. And truthfully, it doesn't take much. So, when I look at my husband, and I know how strong he is...how capable he is...how confident and smart and amazing he is...and I realize, they are simply one step away from the abyss, it makes me realize how utterly powerless I am - over anything at all.

It makes me realize that my husband suffers from a disease that once claimed his life - mind, body and soul. And for today - the disease does not. But it's never far from my mind.

I pray for my husband daily, that he will continue to walk in sobriety. That he will be protected from the temptations that once were too strong for him to resist. And I pray that I will be equipped to love him in all the ways necessary should we ever walk this road again. I also pray that we will never have to walk this road again; however, I know now that I will not walk alone. God carried me through every hard moment, every hard decision and every long day. And he carried my sweet husband too.