Thank you...part 2

Read part 1 here...

I do believe in God's goodness and mercy. This experience has brought me to the edge of my faith. And I wish I could say I was that Godly woman who cried out, "God, give me more of you even if I have to walk this hard and terrible road along the way..." But through this, I wasn't that woman. I have been so faithless. Questioning God. Wanting to understand and to know why. 

There have been days where I haven’t even wanted to pray. Aside from the fact that I haven’t known what to pray, I simply didn’t want to. Because praying meant a flood of tears and heartache.

A dear friend texted me one night to check on me shortly after the D&C. I told her I felt hopeless. I’ve heard before that hopelessness or despair is a sin because we are believing the lie that God doesn’t win, that God doesn’t prevail, that there’s no hope. And since we have Jesus, we always have hope…

She told me to pray, to cry out to God and ask why. That He understands and can handle all my questions. And I told her I didn’t want to pray. And as I typed those words a surge of anger within me caused me to pound the buttons on my phone.

She said she would pray for me. “I’ll pray for you, then…”

Five words. Five words that I assure you I felt tangibly over the next week. Like a warm blanket over my soul.

And other friends, who had no idea what was going on in our lives, messaged or texted me to let me know they were thinking of me and praying for me. And as these messages trickled in, I would share with each of them the road we were walking. Or perhaps crawling is a more fitting term.

People were praying for us. The emotions, the pain, the anger, the lack of understanding…it easily overwhelms. I think it magnifies the insecurities I already have. Perhaps that’s a trick of the enemy to kick us while we are down. All I can tell you is that the pain I felt led me to question and contemplate every detail of our lives. Sometimes I think that’s good…to assess where I am and ask the Lord to show me all the areas that need less of me and more of Him. Sometimes, though, the enemy sneaks in and uses it to attack and harm and distract. Because it’s easy to get caught up in all that I’m doing wrong and forget to focus on the One who sees me, loves me, forgives me and heals me.

“He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

I know He is healing me. I feel the prayers of those who love me. I remember the words I have hidden in my heart for times like these.

And today, I want to pray. I want more of Him. I want to worship.

Not because I feel whole. Not because I feel better and happy and life is ladybugs and sparkles.

No, I don’t feel any of that. But feeling the desire to pray and the need for worship is sweet. And I feel hopeful. I know I will always miss the baby we lost. The baby without a name. The baby we knew nothing about. The baby with no heartbeat. Our baby in heaven.