Thank you...

Thank you, God, for taking the baby now...and not waiting until later when the pain might be so much greater. 

I have become that person I always hoped I would not be...I have joined the unofficial club of women who have miscarried.

My firstborn...

The club (I would guess) that no one wants to join. The club no one realizes exists until you have become an involuntary member. 

And the person you become once you join these ranks is both a mix of all the good and bad in the world. 

The good...your heart grows to reach out to others who join the ranks after you. You love. You empathize. You feel the pain with the new members. You care. You wish you could take away the pain. 

And of course, you love those who miscarried before you, but I feel that I almost look up to them for help, guidance, or even reassurance that all will be okay one day.

The bad...and then, every single day it seems, that new baby announcements roll in. Perhaps not every day, but all things baby seem larger than life and exaggerated at the moment. So, for this reason we will use the term everyday. And you think, "if I see one more beautiful family announcing a coming baby, I will poke out my eyes to stop the pain in my heart..."

My sleepyheaded girl...


Oh, you don't think that? Well, call me a new kind of crazy. But those precious pictures bruise my very sensitive heart. And if you've been through it, perhaps they bruise yours too. I don't assume to know. Everyone walks this road so differently and still so much the same.

Please don't misunderstand. I am excited for you, cute pregnant woman. I am excited for your first, second, third, fourth baby. I am. It's just a little like salt on a wound seeing your pregnant tummy. And knowing I would be (insert # here) weeks along by now. I have actually forgotten how many weeks I would be. I think I forgot on purpose, because normally I’m a dates and numbers kind of girl. But this number is more painful to remember than to forget.

Navigating this experience has been more difficult than I ever imagined. I think it's the unknown that makes walking this out such a challenge. Moment by moment the emotions change. I fall asleep in tears. I wake up numb. I fall asleep numb. I wake up in tears. 

And I know one day I will heal and be okay. My fear, though, is that the numbness will take over and make my heart a bit more calloused in an effort to preserve my soul. Because numb is better than pain in the short term. And sometimes in the pain, short term is all you can consider. Long term is elusive at best.

My master of facial expressions...

I saw a woman at the grocery store yesterday. She lives in my neighborhood. Our kids play at the pool in the summertime. She is a nice woman. A Godly woman. A modest woman. A smart woman. So many qualities I have noticed about her as I’ve spent hours at the pool around her this past summer.

She told me she was expecting her third and hadn’t felt like going shopping much, but she needed to with the icy storm we were expecting. She said she is due in May.

And just before my heart broke I found myself wanting to scream at her, “Oh my gosh! I was expecting too! I was due in May!” Because I never got to have those conversations. We were still waiting to make the big announcement when we received the news that we had a missed miscarriage. I wanted to share it and be excited and have my heart feel full and joyous. And then I realized that saying that would be so awkward and strange. So I just said, “That’s wonderful! Congratulations.”

And I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I still do. I wanted that baby due in May. Our baby. Our heaven baby.

I realize more and more that I need God. I need Him. To get through grocery store trips and seeing the latest baby announcement online.

I don’t understand Him or His ways. So right now I force myself to go to His Word and remind myself of what His promises, His thoughts toward me…

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

….to be continued…

Linking up with Imperfect Prose...and The Wiegands.