On my heart...

Since May I have been in transition mode. Transition from full-time, working outside the home mom to full-time working inside the home mom. This job loss brought lots of changes to our household. And more than ever, I am having to trust that this roller coaster ride IS exactly God's plan for me. It's not really as if I have doubted that this is His plan...it's just that I didn't see it coming.

Well, okay, parts of it I saw coming...but the huge crash at the end of the coaster track where I lost my job and the wheels came off? That, I did not see coming.

I keep thinking back on the first two weeks after the derailment and remember how confused I was (and still am at times). I have lots of questions. Questions that perhaps will never have answers. Perhaps the biggest frustration for me out of all of this is that I worked at a private school where two of my kids attended. The third would have attended there this coming year. Since I do not work there anymore, we can't afford to send them to school there. My oldest is perfectly fine with this and the option we have chosen for their schooling. My middle child is not perfectly fine with this...and is really grieving over not being in school there next year. My preschooler would have started there this year, and I'm really not sure he realizes that anything has changed at home. He keeps asking me where I work now.

We have decided to return to homeschooling...a great fit for our family in general. I am looking forward to the challenges that it brings, and I'm hopeful that we will have an awesome year.

I'm just realizing that I can't do it all...I can't do everything. In fact, I can only do a few things and do them well. So, I'm trying to figure out how to do simple things like cleaning and grocery shopping and meal planning and just everyday stuff. And finding cute things to wear and the time to take photos in the sweltering heat just isn't at the top of my priority list. And that makes me just a little sad. Because I like it. I enjoy cute outfits. You should see my StyleFile Pinterest pinboard. Seriously an outfit for just about every day of the year.

But since mostly I've spent my days in swimwear and cover ups, perhaps you wouldn't want to see those photos anyway.

So during this transition...

I've been cleaning a lot...and getting rid of stuff. I realize that there is just so much baggage that weighs me down...and stuff is just baggage.

I tried to make a list of the most precious items in my home if I had to choose...and I couldn't. I couldn't narrow it down much at all. I'm super sentimental. So I love things that have a history - belonged to my parents, grandparents, etc. And right now, I happen to be blessed with lots of their things.

And I've been cleaning out my personal life...my activities....my commitments. I'm interested in lots of things, but trying to do them all either wears me out or ends up a poor use of my time.

And I continue to search for jobs...even though we have to proceed with our plans for homeschooling and moving on with life. This limbo living is hard, so we have decided to forge ahead regardless.

What's on my heart is simply this...I CAN do everything. And I will do NONE of it well. Something will suffer. Either my kids, my husband, my home, my work...

I still don't know how I managed to do so much when I was working, but I did. I guess we do what we have to, to get by. But getting by is not the life I want, nor is it the life God intended for me. John 10:10.

So, the content here is really still developing. I just passed 100 posts and I'm still sorting through what this is really all about...but I enjoy it, it's therapeutic in a way, and I want to continue...

And I hope you'll join me.