Birthdays...

This time of year we celebrate birthdays in our family. Except for my amazing husband (he's so amazing) and me, all of the other birthdays in the family take place in the spring.

We have Superman in mid-April, Lego Man in late April and then Wonder Woman in June.

And we have two babies in heaven who would have had birthdays in January and May.

It's been an unusually difficult spring for reasons unrelated to the miscarriages...but I do find myself sad again at this time of year...

One of our babies would turn 1 today. And one of our babies would be right around 3 months old.

Last year I chose to remember by running 7.5 miles on May 1 since the baby lived 7.5 weeks. This year, I'm not.

But I remember. I remember much of how it all happened. And I remember crying for weeks.
I remember crying on May 1 while running those 7.5 miles on the treadmill at the gym.

And then a couple weeks later, I remember finding out we were expecting another baby.

Here's what I know...18 or so months after the first miscarriage. And what I know isn't much. But it's something. And maybe you've lost something or someone too...and you need to know something I've learned.

• I know that God works all things out for our good. You don't even have to see the good yet...you just have to trust that His word is true. And it is...
• I know that He has a plan and purpose far beyond my understanding, and that His concern isn't that I am happy or fulfilled or comfortable. His concern is that my soul (and yours) is saved from eternal separation from Him. He wants me to seek HIM, love HIM, serve HIM and pursue righteousness.
• I know that pain, sorrow, trouble and suffering are part of this fallen world because of sin.
• I know that I have blessings overflowing in my life that begin with Jesus Christ saving my soul, my amazing husband loving me well and loving me when I am unlovable, and these three precious, living children that I love so much!
• I know that grief is a process. Sometimes it pops up when you least expect it. So I have learned to sit in the discomfort. There was a time when I didn't even want to pray, and I had a Godly husband and sweet friends who prayed for me until I wanted to pray again.
• I know that life isn't fair...and I have become quite thankful for that. IF life were fair, I would deserve death and separation from God...because I am a sinner in need of forgiveness, grace and mercy. So...fair would give me death and separation from God. No, I don't want fair in this life. I want mercy. I want the soothing grace and mercy of Jesus dying and raising from the dead to cover my sin. 
• I know the Lord heard my voice...even when I didn't want to speak, pray or utter a sound. He heard my cry for mercy. And I love Him!

On May 1 last year, I took the kids and took pictures of them in the bluebonnets. I think this will be part of our May 1 every year...it reminds me to be thankful for the countless blessings in this life. And it reminds me to be thankful for the pain also.

The miscarriage brought my husband and me closer together. His big, strong shoulders bore what I could not. He carried me. He cared FOR me. He never left my side. We walked through this together, as a team, lifting each other up. I know he lifted me more than I lifted him...and I am grateful beyond what I can express for his presence in my life. He is a great man. He was the hands and feet of Jesus to me for many months, and he walked through it with me every step of the way.

Martha

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Martha. No, my name isn’t really Martha, but in my heart…I am her.

I have thought of Martha for a long time now.

I have heard the Mary and Martha story from the Bible for more years than I can count. Someone even wrote a book about it.

The way I look at it, though, both Mary and Martha had flaws. And last time I checked, we all do. All of us who are Mary and Martha and John and Peter and Paul and Matthew and anyone else…we are all flawed, sinful, broken people. People in need of a Savior.

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

Martha was busy. And according to many people who teach about her in Sunday school or Bible study or church, she was attempting to be the ultimate hostess…and many people would say she was missing the point of Jesus. I wouldn’t argue that.

I often wonder what I would do if Jesus sat in my home on a Sunday afternoon…would I behave as I normally do and cook, clean, load dishes, unload dishes, load the washer, unload the washer, fold the towels, fold the socks, put the sheets on the bed and then…finally, when it was time for Jesus – the Savior of the World – to leave, would I be ready to listen and sit at His feet? Oh, but Jesus, I am ready to listen to you now. Everything is done and ready for Monday. Don’t leave just yet.

Would I miss out on the teaching of the Messiah because I have Sunday night fever…a terrible sickness that strikes weekly only on Sundays causing me to rush into a frenzy of crossing off items on my to-do list.

Some might say I am being a good hostess.

I would tell you it’s much more sinister than that. I would tell you I am an addict.

I would tell you that I am coping. I am an addict and busy is my drug. I am running. Sitting still for too long with nothing to occupy my mind proves often to be a dangerous endeavor. Often I end up in a heap of tears consumed by the worry in my head. The what ifs, what abouts and everything in between are a constant source of worry.

My husband tells me to finish up and sit down. My daughter says that I rush about doing stuff all the time and don’t just sit with her.

I have always noticed the Sunday night fever. I just never realized that other people noticed it too.

I am not even a great hostess. My cups and plates don’t match. My silverware is missing key pieces. My dishwashing soap doesn’t clean well so all my utensils have spots. I burn food weekly. And I tend to cook the same things over and over…either out of ease or lack of creativity.

I don’t know if Martha was actually a good hostess or not. What I would argue about her is this…and it comes directly from the mouth of Jesus…

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

Jesus told her she was worried and upset about many things. Worried. Upset. Many things. Many. Things.

It wasn’t just the food to prepare or the dirty floor or the straightening of the home. Martha was worried and upset about many things.

If I listed to you the worry in my heart, the items that bring me to tears, you might look at me perplexed over some of them…as if you question why those are even worries of mine. Some of them you would be grateful they were not yours to worry about.

What I realized is that I am not running to Jesus with these things right now. Probably since September 2013, I have held on tight to the hurt and pain and sadness and anger and fear rather than running to Him. And it’s there. Almost tangible to reach out and touch. And I want to run to Him, because I know that is where healing begins. But for some reason, I don’t. I run away.

And so the addiction to busy continues. Because if I sit quietly for too long, the weight of all of the above becomes too much. Overwhelming. And I’m not quite sure what Jesus will do with this mess that I’ve become. What will the fix look like? What will the healing look like? Because I am just not sure how much more I can bear, and. I’m afraid He thinks I can bear more.

3 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. I Corinthians 10:13

He never promises not to give you hard things. He never promises an easy road. He promises that the temptation you and I face is common and He will provide a way to endure it.

I know in my heart that He gives rest. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. My prayer this year is that if you are weary and running from Him, I pray that you will stop and run to Him. I will be doing the same.

5 Ways to Make Homeschool Fun! - Homeschool Thursday

This has been a great week in our homeschool. Between the workload and the morale of the students and teacher, we have had a fantastic homeschool week.

We try lots of things to make homeschool fun. And homeschool is generally fun even if we are sitting at a desk with chairs and pencils and paper and all the normal school things. But sometimes we get even more crazy and that makes it much better.

So, here you go!

1. Wear PJs all day long! Pajamas for the win.

2. Do two subjects and then drop everything and head to the park for a Nerf war with friends...or just some good park playtime. 

3. Get a snowcone. In January. Just because. (And share with your siblings because any size was free so go BIG!)

4. Head to someone's bed to do group reading. We all piled onto Superman's bed and snuggled into the covers to read two history lessons. Oddly enough, everyone listened. 

5. Plan something fun to look forward to when everyone's work is done. Near our home is a cool place called Urban Air. They offer homeschool Friday jump. We look forward to this about once a month and meet all of our homeschool friends there. Moms get to talk. Kids get to jump. For 3 WHOLE HOURS! Love, love, double love.

Tell me, homeschool parents, what do you do to make homeschool even more fun than it already is?